


Just Another Day

by Broken_Clover



Category: Guilty Gear
Genre: Bad Jokes, Gag fic, Gen, Medical Procedures, Medicinal Drug Use, Needles, Self-Mutilation, Suggestive Themes, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-05
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2020-06-09 23:43:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 17,909
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19486393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Broken_Clover/pseuds/Broken_Clover
Summary: A fic following Faust's daily life as a doctor, and the many bizarre cases he encounters.





	1. File: Badguy, Sol

**Author's Note:**

> It's been a while! I think this is my first time doing a multichapter that isn't all that serious. It's something new for me, but I hope you enjoy!

The morning set-up always took the most amount of time, but Faust could easily say that he didn’t mind it one bit. As much of a reputation as he had for being a bit off-kilter, he put an immense amount of effort into keeping his office space clean and well-functioning. He couldn’t even think of starting an appointment with something out of place.

From a glance, it was almost creepily picturesque- chairs organized neatly, not a single spot of dust, desk uncluttered aside from the can of pens and a little smiley squeeze-ball. Everything was in order, exactly as he liked it.

With the room finally to his liking, Faust sat down at his desk and looked over the daily schedule. Several of the blocks had already been filled ahead of time. He had a talk therapy session coming up, but that wasn’t for another hour or so. The schedule was similarly spotty all throughout the day, with the extra spaces either to be filled by walk-ins or by desk work. Business as usual. Just another day of work.

As if on cue, the intercom crackled to life. Faust leaned over and let the call through. “Yes?”

“Hello, Sensei!” The cheerful voice of Fanny greeted him. “We just got a walk-in, current state stable. Mr’s Badguy and Kiske. Are you currently free?”

“Ahh, yes. Send them in, please.”

Faust had met with both men on several occasions in the past, even if some of them involved swords pointed at his throat. Still, he knew them well. Few doctors could teleport to wherever need be in a pinch or could work miracles on Gears. Even with people such as them, he was well-equipped.

Although, it seemed like today bore a completely different problem, seeing as how Sol walked into his office strangely, head tipped back, the handle of the Fireseal jutting out of his mouth.

“Yes, I know it hurts.” Ky groaned, eyes betraying no hint of sympathy as he crossed his arms. “But it was your idea.”

Sol made another grumble, which Faust realized was some attempt at communication. He gestured for the two men to take the seats near his desk. Ky sat down, prim and poised, while it took Sol several minutes to sit down due to the odd angle he was forced to tilt his head at.

“Good morning, gentlemen.” Faust held up a hand. “I suppose the reason is obvious, but would you mind telling me what brings you to my office?”

“This buffoon,” said Ky, pointing his thumb at Sol, “took a bet from Sin that he could swallow the Fireseal. Of course, he was so focused on being correct-” he sent another scowl in the man’s direction “-that he didn’t account for the size of it, and managed to get it lodged in his throat.”

“I see.” The doctor scribbled down a few notes on his clipboard. “Have you attempted to move it already?”

“Slightly, but not much. Too much concern about doing it incorrectly.”

“Understandable. And Appreciated.” He nodded. “Anything to add to that, Mr. Badguy?”

Sol managed an unenthused grumble, rolling his eyes.

“Rest assured, sir. This isn’t the most unusual case I’ve experienced in my medical career. No need to be embarrassed!”

“So, doctor-” Ky offered a tenuous smile, “-I do hope this is treatable? The Fireseal is a very important relic, I’d hate for something to happen to it-”

Sol made a noise of offense as he glared at his old friend. “Yes, Sol, you as well. Relax.”

“Of course I know how to fix this! I’ve seen this kind of problem before.”

“...What is it?”

Reaching into his pocket, Faust pulled out a stick of butter.

“Take this!”

The two men exchanged dumbfounded looks. “Doctor Faust?” Ky ventured. “Are you...quite alright?”

“Absolutely spectacular, why do you ask?”

Ky pursed his lips, expression shifting. “I understand you’re known and respected for your...unorthodox methods. But what are we supposed to do with this?”

“Eat it!” Faust replied. “Butter is a remarkable lubricant, I’ve used it for many similar procedures.”

Sol made another undecipherable noise, almost smirking around the obstruction in his mouth as he sent Ky a look. The other man immediately went bright pink, and looked like he was about to slap him.

“Hmm. It appears the position is rather odd, Mr. Badguy, allow me to assist you!” With perhaps a bit too much roughness, Faust grabbed onto the handle and pulled Sol closer, unpeeling the butter and slathering it against the sides of the sacred, priceless weapon.

The king visibly flinched. “E-er, pardon, but are you sure that’s the only method you have for removing Fireseal?”

Faust paused, tapping his chin. “Well, in the case of desperate measures, I would be able to cut open the esophagus around it, though the process would be...messy.”

Ky actually looked like he was considering the prospect, until Sol made a panicked little noise. “Alright, alright, no dissection. I will- I will leave you to your work.” 

“Thank you very much! I assure you, this won’t take long.”

Half of a butter stick and two rounds of ‘Ode to Joy’ later, Fireseal’s blunt edges were stained and slicked. Sol seemed very displeased by the mess, along with the smears that had managed to end up on his face.

If the doctor even noticed, he certainly didn’t care. He gave the blade handle a little shimmy, perking up as it shifted. “Looking good! Alright, now all that’s left is to remove the obstruction. Are you ready, Mr. Badguy?”

“Do you need any assistance?” Asked Ky.

“Oh, no, no, I assure you I have this handled. I’m sure a Gear is more than capable of handling my weight.”

Sol’s expression went blank. “Mmhh?”

“Hu-up!”

With a grandiose little jump, Faust moved from calmly standing to sitting perched on his patient’s shoulders, perfectly balanced. At least, it was perfectly balanced for all of a moment, as Sol recoiled and lost his balance, stumbling back and forth.

Ky tried to intervene. “Dr. Faust-”

“I assure you, Mr. Kiske!” He interrupted. “This-”

**_*crash*_ **

“-is absolutely-”

**_*crash*_ **

“-normal!”

**_*CRASH*_ **

The two came to a stop in the pile of where the chairs had been stacked neatly against the wall, now in disarray with a few busted legs. Faust hardly seemed to care, though, as he beamed proudly under his bag, hefting the Fireseal over his head triumphantly.

“Ta-daaa!”

Ky rushed over, a look of worry etched into his features. “Sol? Are you alright?”

“Ugh...f’k, feels l’k I got stabbed…” The man coughed and gasped as he stumbled out of the mess, rubbing his throat the entire time. He looked far less dangerous than usual, partly due to the smears of butter still left on his face and trailing up into his shaggy hair.

“Well, I suppose you did, in a way.” His companion sighed, rubbing his temples. “At least that’s done with. Are there any substantial damages, doctor?”

“I’d need to find my flashlight to get a good look inside, but-”

“I meant on the weapon.”

Sol glared. “Are you serious?”

“You can heal, Sol.” Ky replied. “I’m not as worried when I know you heal quickly.”

“Oh, sure, it’s totally okay when it’s me, but when I stab you it’s ‘assault and battery’ and ‘you have grounds to arrest me.’”

“You’re the one who got it lodged there in the first place, you only have yourself to blame for this!”

“Gentlemen, if I may-” Faust spoke hastily, already picturing the damage costs that the two of them could do to his office. “I do have a schedule to keep. Might I ask you to take it outside?”

Ky nodded politely, glaring as Sol ripped his sword from the doctor’s hands. “Of course. I apologize. Do I pay you here?”

He shook his head. “I’ll have Fanny send an invoice to the castle. Just send it back at your earliest convenience.”

“Wonderful! I can’t thank you enough for seeing us so promptly.”

“Of course, your majesty. Mr. Badguy, go easy on speaking until your throat heals up. If any concerns arise, don’t hesitate to call.”

“Whatever.”

“Would it pay you to ever say ‘thank you,’ Sol?”

“Don’t even start, boy scout-”

The doctor held the door for them as they left. “Take care!”

Before the front door even slammed shut, Faust could hear a crackle of lightning, followed by the sound of a small explosion that was probably setting fire to the lawn.

...It was going to be one of those days, wasn’t it?


	2. File: Low, Axl

“Alrighty, let’s see…

Annual Influenza?”

“O-ow, fuck- !”

“Tetanus booster-”

“W-watch it- ow!”

“Hepatitis D-”

“Oi, be careful with- ow, dammit!”

“TP virus-”

“How many of these damn- ah- !”

“Magic-related neoplasms-”

“Agh- !”

“Aaaand- ah, almost forgot, meningococcal B.”

Faust smiled brightly, checking off the last box on his clipboard. “Congratulations, Mr. Low, you’re officially up-to-date on your vaccination schedule!”

“Well, that’s just bloody wonderful.” The man grumbled in response, gently rubbing over the several small bandages that now ran up and down his arm. “This’s gonna sting for a week…”

“Well, I can assure you that it would not have hurt as much if you weren’t so restless.” He nodded to his student. “Thank you for your help, Fanny.”

“No problem, Sensei!” She replied cheerily, dumping the last syringe into the biohazards bin before heading back to her desk.

Axl sent an unpleasant look at the man sitting across him. “What the hell was that for? I didn’t come here to get stabbed!”

“Yes, yes, I apologize. You must understand, though, that you’re unfamiliar to this time period. Not being properly vaccinated against diseases is a serious health hazard for you and others! Your body isn’t accustomed to the viruses of this day and age, and it’s best to be safe-”

“Yeesh, I get it.”

The paper was removed and folded up, slipped inside a new file and put away. “That takes care of that! I’m sure you’d much rather move onto your original reason for being here. You’re still struggling with your time-slipping, correct?”

“Yeah.” He shrugged. “You couldn’t do anything about it last time I asked, so I dunno why you wanted me to come back-”

Faust waved a hand. “Ah-ah-ah, slow down a moment. I’d like to try something different today. I’m wondering if perhaps your condition is exacerbated if not heavily influenced by your emotional state. Do you think that’s a possibility?”

Axl already looked lost. “Uh, dunno what half of that meant, but if you’ve got any kind of idea for how to make it stop, I wanna know.”

“Of course, of course.” Faust leaned back in his office chair. “Let’s just talk for a bit. When your time-slips occur, can you describe what you feel, emotion-wise?”

“Uh...panic, I guess?” The Brit offered back. “Stress? Can’t imagine why I’d be happy about it...”

A few scribbled words were added to a new document. “I see. That makes sense. What about before? Do you happen to remember?”

Another shrug. “Not off the top of my head. I guess I never really thought about it much.”

“Hmm. Alright. Could you tell me what happened before your most recent slip?”

“Lemme think…” He stared up at the ceiling, eyes squinted in focus. “I think I was...yeah, I was out with Chief. Dunno what he was really up to, I was just tagging along.” An impish smile suddenly lit up his face. “I remember Chief was sayin’ something about bad luck, and a huuuuge bee flew right in his face! Haha, I’ve never heard him shriek like that! The best timing, it could not have been-”

The room suddenly went quiet. Faust peered over his desk, only to find Axl and his chair missing, and a faint wisp of blue light on the tiles where they had been.

“...Oh dear.” He drummed his fingers together. “Perhaps we should reschedule our appointment…”

A sharp crackle split the air, followed by another blue light. A circle appeared on the ceiling, dumping Axl back into his office, where he landed in a tangle of limbs on the floor.

“Bloody hell…”

Faust kept his expression calm. “Welcome back. Are you alright?”

“Ngh- ow, ow-” The man hissed as he untangled himself and stood up. “Jeez, I should have seen that coming. What time is it? How long was I gone?”

“Only momentarily. Where did you go?”

Axl shrugged, only to flinch and slump against the desk. “Didn’t really have time to look. Some kinda jungle? Got chased by a gorilla for a bit before I slipped again.”

“Fascinating.” Faust grabbed his pen and got to work taking more notes. “Is it possible that happiness is your trigger? Though I wonder how much it would take to cause it, or if there’s even a way to properly quantify emotions. Brain chemistry, perhaps?”

His patient was not at all assured by his words, and took a step back. “Look, I have no idea what you’re thinking, but I don’t like it. I sure as hell am not letting you dig around in my-”

He reacted far more calmly as Axl suddenly vanished again, in another burst of light. “How peculiar…”

“-ahhh!” Another glowing ring appeared on the wall, tossing the time-traveler back out onto the floor until he skidded to a stop. He appeared much more worn-down the second time around, dirt-streaked and scratched. It took him a bit more time for him to get his bearings, as well, to the point where Faust got up and tried to assist.

“I wasn’t expecting it to happen again so promptly.” The doctor mused. “Do you have any internal injuries?”

“The heck? Where am I-” Axl looked around the room slowly, clearly very confused by his surroundings. “Is this...oh, I’m back!”

Faust nodded, helping him to a nearby chair. “Indeed you are. Based on your response, I presume it’s been a bit of time since you were here last?”

“Yeah, this is...whew, little worried I was gonna be stuck there forever.”

“Where did you end up?”

“Some kinda village in 18-something-or-other...Japan, I wanna say? Not too sure, I couldn’t understand a thing. A nice lady took me in for a few days, but her sister threw me out and had to dig through the trash for food for a couple of weeks. The village kids were pretty okay, though, kept calling me ‘kitanai-san’ and tossed me their food scraps. Think I ended up being the town weirdo or something. Got sent back right in the middle of lunch, too!” Axl sighed. “Today was supposed to be radishes. One of the kid’s moms made really good pickled daikon…”

“Well, I suppose that explains your current state.” Faust gave him a brief look-over, finding no areas of concern aside from a few cuts and bruises, though the man had clearly lost a few kilos and looked very much in need of a long shower. “Pardon, but did you say late 1800’s?”

“I think? Somewhere around there. Why?”

“Hold still, please!” He ordered, stuffing a hand inside of his bag and pulling out a syringe. Axl recoiled at the sight of it.

“W-what the hell d’ya think you’re doing?!”

“A blood test, of course! You could have potentially brought back several diseases that you aren’t adequately vaccinated for yet! I need to make sure we won’t be risking an outbreak!”

As Faust approached, he pushed back in his chair. “Don’t you dare come near me with that thing, I’ve had enough of-!”

The chair tipped back, sending the man to the floor. Faust just barely missing grabbing his arm, as he vanished into light once more with a yelp.

The doctor huffed, putting the needle away and crossing his arms. “This is getting rather troublesome, you know.”

He retreated to his desk. It didn’t take long for him to jot down a few more notes, so he found himself sitting and waiting until Axl appeared again. Minutes ticked by, quiet and uneventful.

It was impossible to avoid a little noise of panic as the blue light finally appeared right on top of his desk, spitting Axl’s body out right on top of his papers. That was odd enough, but Faust realized that not only had the man been unceremoniously dumped directly in front of him, but he was also almost completely naked, save for his boxers and bandana.

Axl became aware of his own predicament a moment later, letting out a shriek as he turned and fell off the desk, thankfully not vanishing again, only hitting the ground with a thud.

“I’m sure this is going to be a very interesting story.” Faust mused to himself. “Where did you end up this time?”

“I swear, this is _not_ as bad as it looks.” Axl didn’t even get up, instead choosing to stay behind the desk for the most privacy he could manage in his current state. “I got dumped off in some city made of rocks on a hill. Folks were at least nicer this time, even if the dresses everyone had on were really weird. I think this guy was trying to hit on me, dunno what he was saying at all. But he did show me this really nice bathhouse and I really wanted to give it a try-”

The doctor smiled. “Well, I suppose that does make sense.”

“Yeah, so, um-” a pair of eyes peeked over the desk’s rim. “Don’t suppose you’ve figured out how to fix me, have ya? Or got an extra pair of pants somewhere around here?”

Fingers drummed against the desktop. “Well, for your first question, possibly. I believe it may be severe emotions that trigger your slips. I’m going to have to run some more tests to try and verify, but unfortunately, I have another patient coming in soon.” Faust opened one of his desk drawers, pulling out a business card and offering it up. “For the time being, I recommend you do your best to remain calm and do your best to avoid extreme emotional responses. Here’s the name and address of a local meditation specialist, an old friend of mine. It might be worth looking into as a way to regulate your emotional state...although, it’s only been open for seven years, so try not to slip back too far, alright?”

“Oh, ha, ha.” Axl replied, thoroughly unenthused. “Guess it can’t hurt to try it out, though.”

“That’s the spirit! And as for your other question, yes, I keep extra clothing in the bathroom storage closet. You’re free to take what you need.” He motioned to the nearby door. I’ll leave you to your privacy.”

With a cheery smile, Faust marked another appointment off of his list. Not too shabby! No real areas of concern so far, aside from that one spot near the door that they needed to replace now thanks to that explosion. Ky had at least been gracious about it, and had been willing to pay to have the bricks dealt with. 

Axl sent him an awkward wave when he finally left the bathroom and headed towards the door. “Thanks for trying, doc. See you later, I guess?”

“Yes, yes, ideally in six months. Enjoy the rest of your day, and do your best to relax!”

That seemed to be the end of that. He did have another therapy session coming up soon, and he knew that hers tended to require a lot more patience than most. Still, he liked to think that she was improving. Maybe they could manage to get through a full talk session without any nudity.

A sound came from the intercom. “Um, Sensei?” Fanny said. “I’ve got a problem at the register.”

“Yes?”

“This seems rather odd, but...I think Mr. Low paid me in drachmas? Very old ones, I’m not sure if we can accept this currency.”

“I can sort it out later, just hold onto it for now.” A thought occurred to him. “Actually, one moment.”

Before Axl could open the front door, it swung open on its own, Faust ducking through from the other end. It was enough to make the man jump back and stumble over his feet, almost falling over until a hand grabbed him by the back of his shirt and held on.

“D-Doc?” He stammered in confusion.

“Oh, wonderful! I was worried you’d left.”

“You said you were done!” Axl sent him a wary look. “...I don’t need more shots, do I?

“Not at all! You’re completely updated on all the vaccines.”

“Thank god...so what is it, then?”

Without warning, Faust started dragging him back into his office. “I almost forgot about your blood test!”

“NOOOOOOO!”


	3. File: No, I-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rated M for I-no being I-no

“C’mon, there’s no need to be shy…” The woman dragged herself over a skinny arm, letting her own arms crest around his neck and settle into a loose embrace. “Why don’t you tell me what I can do for you?”

Faust gave an annoyed sigh. “Miss I-no, can you please refrain from rubbing your breasts against my shoulder?”

It didn’t deter her, only resulting in a low, seductive laugh. “You’re just saying that because you like it, don’t you?”

“Not in particular. In fact, it’s actually quite troublesome, because now I’m going to need to iron my clothing in the spots where you’re mussing them.”

I-no huffed. “You’re not much fun, you know. Some doctors enjoy this. You could tell me to do whatever you want, and you wouldn’t get in trouble~”

He tried to not roll his eyes. “Well, some doctors should have their licenses revoked and be barred from health services for malpractice. Can you please return to your seat?”

“Ugh, fine.” She picked herself off of his lap and stormed back to the other side of the desk, arms crossed as she sat back down. “How much longer do I have to be stuck here?”

“For today? Thirty minutes, minimum. However, your employer was insistent that you at least make some substantial progress in recovering from your addiction, and we haven’t made much progress there yet.”

“Might as well have just sent me to a damn monastery.” I-no analyzed her perfectly painted nails. “At least then I could have seduced a few nuns.”

“Please try to understand.” He said, knowing that she probably wouldn’t even try. “This is for your own benefit. Intimate relationships are perfectly acceptable and healthy, but it’s becoming an interference in your daily life. We need to work on your addiction to sex.”

“‘Addiction’ seems a bit much.”

“Miss I-no, you’ve taken almost 40 partners in the last two months.”

She shrugged, nonplussed. “Maybe that’s a big deal for someone in linear time, did you forget I can skip to different eras?”

“Plus there’s the matter of your bills from strip clubs-”

“What, can’t I support a local business?”

“-And your extensive doujinshi collection-”

“Hey, I buy those for the plot!”

“-And the body pillow.”

That finally got I-no to go as red as her dress. “What happens between Nine and I is strictly my business.”

“I promise, this is solely for your own benefit. Your lifestyle is unhealthy.”

“Unhealthy for what?” She asked. “Not like I can die.”

He pinched the bridge of his nose, feeling a headache coming on. “Yes, you’re not incorrect in that fact. Still, it’s best to maintain a healthy lifestyle, which includes a certain amount of self-control. Indulgences are acceptable, and as I said, there’s nothing wrong with safe physical intimacy, but your current way of living is excessive and reckless.”

I-no sat back in her chair, unimpressed, and bent one leg over the other, offering a rather inappropriate view of her undergarments. “Y’know, using more fancy medical words isn’t going to persuade me. I’m barely listening anyway. I really don’t care about what That Man thinks, he’s not my dad. He can’t tell me what to do.”

Oh, that gave him an idea. “On that note, you’ve hardly mentioned much about your family life. Can you tell me a little bit about your upbringing?”

“Great, you’re gonna go all Freudian on me, aren’t you.”

“Sigmund Freud was a hack, and if you mention him in my office again I’m doubling your session time.”

Faust spoke with such complete, blase calmness that I-no stopped and asked herself if immediately saying it again would be a bad idea. She decided on yes.

“Okay, okay, fine, let’s get on with the goddamn psychoanalyzing.”

“Excellent! Alright, so what can you tell me about what your life was like when you were a child?”

She gave a calm shrug. “Eh. What’s there to say? Mom was kind of a bitch and dad was always busy, both kicked it pretty early, but then again, who wasn’t an orphan during the war?”

The doctor had to pause and make sure he was hearing right. I-no kept her calm expression. Sure, he was used to hearing all manner of sad and worrying things from patients, but I-no had been rather tight-lipped for all of her visits so far, it felt odd to have her suddenly opening up in such a way.

He took down notes. “Were you taken in by another caretaker?”

“Bunch of knights dragged me along on their missions. Nice folks, kinda weird. Got eaten by Gears.”

“I’m sorry, they- ?”

“-so I got picked up by a traveling band of traders, they died in a fire like six months later, then I got stuck in a settlement for way too long washing clothes for soldiers. Then, uh, that burned down too-” I-no moved to start counting on her fingers, letting one of her dress’ straps slide. “Then there was the Gear nest that adopted me as one of their own, got stuck in a well for three days and got rescued by monks, died in an explosion, found the cure for TP, then I got married, husband died, avenged his death-”

“You can stop, miss I-no.” Faust sighed. “If you’re going to behave that way, then there’s no point in doing this.”

She grinned wickedly, snickering. “Hey, Raven kept going for a whole hour, at least you’re quick to the punch.”

He drummed his fingers on the desktop, deep in thought. “Alright, well, how about we discuss some of your relationships. What was your first partner like? And please don’t lie this time.”

“Marlene? Not much to say, she was a pretty vanilla gal. Nice respectful god-fearing lady, not too bad a lay, though.”

“Er…alright, was that your longest-lasting relationship?”

“She was a long-runner, for sure. Not sure if Elliot was longer?” I-no stood up and started pacing. “Ooh, speaking of long, I think Tyler was taking some sort of under-the-table drug, I don’t buy that any man could look like he did without a little help. He was fun, liked being tied up. Always wanted ribbon, though, I like rope better-”

Faust was a half-second away from banging his head on the table. He wasn’t sure what it was about I-no that frustrated him so much. Maybe it was just because today had already been stressful. Still, he was a doctor, and he had work to do. 

“So why do you find yourself repeatedly seeking out new relationships?”

“It’s always good to try new things, isn’t it? Gotta explore your options!” She took a break from her pacing, settling down right on Faust’s desk. “Besides, I’ve been living a long time, and I can’t imagine I’ll be kicking it very soon. There’s only so much to do...I mean, that I can get away with.”

“I presume despite your inhuman status, your employer is still capable of punishing you to an extent?”

“No- well, yeah, but that’s not really what I meant.” Her voice went softer as she slumped. “Manipulating time like I do has consequences. Things get overwritten. I lose people that I used to be close to, because they never existed. I hate to admit it, but...it’s lonely.”

“I see. Do you feel like you can’t confide in your co-workers about this?”

“Them? No.” She scoffed, placing a hand on the desk. “Sure, Raven’s immortal, too, but he deals with it by being away from humans. And whether he likes it or not, That Man is gonna die too someday. I need to be around people, but I can’t. I just know I’ll lose them. And if I try to change that, they vanish. In the end, I’m always alone.”

Faust nodded. “I can understand how that would feel isolating.”

“It’s so nice to finally have someone understand…” I-no’s hand slid across the table towards him. “Can you help me?”

“Absolutely.” He replied. “That’s why we’re here.”

I-no pulled herself further onto the table. She reached out, letting her fingers graze the edges of the man’s paper bag. She wasn’t sure where exactly to put her hand, so instead she let it sit on his chest, fingers digging into his jacket.

“I’m so, so lonely, doctor…”

“Y-yes, so you’ve said?”

“Please, I want-”

“Miss I-no, I’m not having sex with you.”

She gave a frustrated whine, hovering off of the desk. “You fucking prude.”

“I’m a professional, and I take my job very seriously. I thought I’d already made that clear.

“Everyone has their weaknesses, doctor.” I-no lazily hovered around the room. “Even you.”

“And I presume all that talk about loneliness was just more nonsense meant to waste time?”

“Hahaha! And you fell for it, too!” The woman cackled. “Oh, well, I’ve done my time. Ciao, doc!”

I-no vanished in a spiral of blue light. Faust let his head drop on the desk with a hollow thunk, knowing that she was already miles away, and not coming back anytime soon. 

Her file sat on the other end of the desk. He made no motion to grab it. He could handle the paperwork, just not right now. He needed a minute after all of that.

A notification beeped on his intercom. Sighing, he let the message through. “Yes?”

Instead of Fanny’s calm, cheery voice, an infuriated screech stabbed him in the ears. “WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE’S BUSY?!”

“Fanny?!” Faust stood up in his chair. “Are you alright?”

“O-oh, Sensei! I think they hit the intercom button trying to climb over the desk- Mx. Baiken and Mr. Mito have been requesting to see you!”

"Alright, my schedule is open. Is it life-threatening?"

"No, but I'm kind of afraid that Mx. Baiken is going to rip my head off."

"That's normal. Just send them in, I can handle it."


	4. File: Mito, Anji and Baiken

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for taking so long! I was hoping this'd be out sooner but better late than never?

“Alright, so how exactly did this happen?”

In spite of his current state, Anji managed a smile. “Aha, well, I will admit that it was partly my fault-”

“It was ALL your fault, you fucking dumbass!” Baiken snapped, rattling their chain with their movement. “If you hadn’t just done what I told you to-”

“B-Bai- Baiken- stop-” Anji sputtered. “Too tight- too tight- !”

They growled, reluctantly loosening their grip. 

The two travelers were all but one big knot of metal and flesh, with Baiken’s chain arm looped and tangled around the both of them, with the claw itself dangling sadly by Anji’s hip. A pair of chairs had been pushed together for them to sit in, but with how they were bound together, they hadn’t been able to sit without completely falling over or choking one of them. 

Faust wasn’t quite sure how to react yet. He opted for professionalism, in the hopes that it would keep Baiken from growing agitated. “What caused you two to become ensnared?”

Baiken was still seething, so Anji stepped up. “We, ah, were taking on a bounty a few towns over.” He said, trying to be more cautious with his words. “There had ended up being far more bandits than the bounty had said-”

“Probably trying to weasel out of giving us decent pay.” The samurai snarled.

“So, as you can expect, two people trying to fight dozens all at once is...hectic.” Anji smiled uncomfortably. “And like I said, it was partly my fault. I fear I mistook Baiken for an enemy-”

“Yeah, because there’s _so many people_ with pink fuckin’ hair.”

The dancer looked even more embarrassed. “-and I may have hit them.”

“I see.” Faust tilted his head. “But how exactly did that lead you to getting tangled up together?”

“I smacked him over the head for being a moron.” Baiken said, deadpan. “And he felt the need to grab onto my prosthetic for some reason?”

“Hey, that thing’s solid metal! D’you know how much it hurts to get hit by that?”

Baiken scoffed, blowing the bangs out of their eyes. “We both remembered that we were in the middle of a goddamn fight and there were about two dozen people trying to kill us. And yet, Anji managed to forget that he was still holding my fucking arm.”

“Truth be told, doctor, I’m not entirely sure ‘how’ it happened.” Said Anji. “I managed to knock Baiken over, and they pulled me down with them, and before I knew it, we were all knotted up together.”

“I see.” Faust couldn’t help but ask. “What about the bandits?”

“Baiken managed to kill the rest of them. Mostly with headbutts.” Anji looked equally infatuated and terrified. “Though I’m not entirely sure, there may be a dismembered hand still stuck in here somewhere.”

Somehow, the doctor wasn’t surprised at all. “Okay, so I think I understand now. Do either of you have any more concerns or injuries?”

“M’fine.” Replied Baiken. “Just get me the fuck out of here already.”

“We’re both a bit scratched up, but nothing worrisome. Can you please just untie us?”

“Goodness me, you two sure are in a hurry.” Faust shook his head, but relented, reaching into his jacket and pulling out a two-foot pair of bolt cutters.

“H-hey, what do you think you’re doing with those?!” For once, Baiken looked genuinely alarmed. They shuffled back, dragging Anji along a good foot. 

“Why, fixing your problem, of course! I’m just going to sever the chain, then untying you should be simple!”

“No the fuck you aren’t! Then I’d need to get a whole new arm! Do you know how much this thing cost me to get?!”

“Baiken, please calm yourself. I’m afraid your companion is about to expire.”

“Wh-” They turned to Anji, who was gasping for air. Baiken stopped tugging on the chains, letting them loosen enough so he could breathe again.

“Oh gods, thank you.” The dancer wheezed between gasps. “Baiken, please don’t do that again.”

“Are you sure I shouldn’t use the cutters?” Faust tried again. “I’m sure this wouldn’t take very long.”

“Read my lips, you bastard. If you cut my chain, I cut your throat.”

“You’re making this significantly more difficult than it needs to be.” He sighed. “Fine. I’ll do my best.”

“Please excuse them, doctor.” Anji spoke up. “We haven’t really been having a good day.”

“Dunno how the fuck I could be.” They growled under their breath. “First we get cheated out of pay, then I get stuck to your ass for three hours.”

Faust started rooting through the wall cabinet. “Well, unfortunately, I seem to be all out of butter.” The two travelers exchanged puzzled looks. “Luckily for you, I still have a bottle of chainsaw oil left over!”

Anji sent him a wary look. “Why do you have that?”

The man’s expression turned serious for a moment. “Mr. Mito. What do you think I use chainsaw oil for?”

“I-I-”

“Well!” Before he could respond, Faust’s demeanour turned bright once more. “Might as well get started. Stand up for me, please! This will feel a bit odd, but I’ll do my best to ensure that it won’t be painful.”

“Let’s just do as he says, alright, Baiken?” Anji coaxed his partner to their feet. “Being difficult is just going to make it drag on.”

“...Fine. Just don’t try anything, demon.”

They managed to both getup without strangling Anji for a third time, and Faust got to work. “This is a very sharp weapon, might I ask where it was made?” He asked, carefully picking up the dangling claw.

“Japan. And I'm pretty sure the guy who made it is dead.” Replied Baiken, clearly hating every word they had to speak to him. “And it’s worth more than I make in five years, so don’t break it.”

“I’m not sure I’d be able to, not without help.” The chains were heavy as he picked them up and looked them over. “These look incredibly sturdy. Honestly, I’m worried about how much this has to weigh altogether. What sort of strain does this put on your back and shoulders?”

“You get used to it.” They shrugged, making the chains rattle. “Now hurry up, will you?”

Hesitantly, he complied. “Perhaps an x-ray would be wise, after you get untangled. I suppose I haven’t caught up with you two in a while, have you been keeping healthy?”

“We’ve been travelling for a few years now, I’d say globetrotting is a pretty good workout.” Anji said.

“Ah! I figured as much. You take very good care of yourselves.” Faust nodded in approval, pulling on one of the chains. “What about mental health? 

Baiken scoffed. “Who the fuck cares about-”

“Language.” The doctor replied, shaking his head. “And mental health is very important, Baiken. I’m especially worried about you. Have you taken up any hobbies? Anything you enjoy doing with your time?”

“Bounty hunts, I guess.” They said. “Killing bandits or Gears, usually.”

“I...don’t think that counts. Perhaps drawing, or novels?”

“Stabbing?”

“I appreciate your enthusiasm, Baiken, but stabbing isn’t a hobby.”

They seemed to disagree, huffing. “Well, it works for me.”

Faust didn’t reply, instead focusing on the oily chains. He pulled a few apart, twisting a segment over Anji’s head.

“How long do you expect this to take, doctor?” Asked the dancer.

“Oh, not long, I assure you! I just ask that you give me a bit of patience, patients!”

Baiken groaned. “That was awful.”

“Well, when you’ve been in the business as long as I have, it’s hard to get new material. Want me to try again?”

“Not rea-”

“So a man goes to the doctor’s, and he says ‘doctor, whenever I drink coffee I get this sharp, excruciating pain.’ And the doctor replies, ‘did you take the spoon out first?’”

Baiken went to send him another glare, only to pause. Despite his efforts to be quiet, Anji’s face betrayed a smirk as he held his breath.

“Are you LAUGHING?!” They snarled, yanking on the chains again, strangling the man. Anji’s smile vanished as he started gasping again.

“Baiken, Baiken!” Faust tried to stop them, grabbing at the chains around Anji’s neck. With how slippery they were, he managed to drop them a few times. When he reached out again, he managed to slip, shoving his arm into the mess of metal.

“Get out!” Baiken continued to shout, rattling the metal over and over until Faust felt something tighten around his wrist.

“I’d very much like to, but it seems like I’m in a bit of a difficult position now.”

“Wait, what?” They replied, anger fading into panic. “T-that’s- you’re joking, right? You can’t be stuck in here, too!”

“Calm down, calm down.” The doctor said. “I think most of the knots are smoothing out. Let’s see...according to my calculations, there’s only a few more kinks to be undone. If those are pulled apart, the rest of the chain should come loose!”

Anji wiggled in place. “But how exactly do we get undone now with you stuck in here, too?”

“I can reach some of the knots, but not all of them. Maybe try moving? Maybe pulling a bit will help it pull loose?”

“Whatever you say.” He replied, starting to move again. “Okay, I actually do want you to pull this time, Baiken. Just, uh, try not to choke me anymore, okay?”

They rolled their eyes. “Yeah, yeah.” 

Faust yanked while they moved, chains sifting until they finally started easing loose. “Alright, excellent. I’m hitting all the ones I can reach, does it feel any looser?”

With a delighted smile, Anji extended a hand. “Finally got one out! I’ll try and see if there’s any spots I can reach.”

“Excellent! What about you, Baiken?”

“Shut up, trying to focus-”

Another little clink. “Okay, I think I got that one. Baiken, I think it’s just you now. How’s it going?”

“Shut up, Anji! I’m- “Despite their writhing, Baiken seemed unable to pull the last of the chains apart. “Fucking- why isn’t it coming loose?!”

“Maybe try pulling harder?”

“I’m pulling as hard as I can, you bag-headed fuck! I dunno what you expect me to do!””

The two men exchanged looks, lost on ideas. “Don’t suppose you’d know any tricks?” Asked Faust. “I’m not sure if there’s a way to make someone stronger, and I’m still stuck…”

Faust could almost see the lightbulb pop over Anji’s head. Without a moment’s hesitation, he leaned over and pressed a kiss to Baiken’s cheek.

The room almost seemed to vibrate. As soon as he felt the metal loosen, Faust pulled his hand free. Anji followed suit with his remaining arm, though it was ultimately pointless. A moment later, the loops of oily chain dropped to the floor loudly, before starting to recede back into Baiken’s sleeve.

“Well, I suppose that’s one way to do it.”

“Man, that was close.” Anji offered a relieved smile. “Thank you, doctor, I’m sorry for- uh oh.”

Baiken looked absolutely livid. “You...BASTARD!”

Without another word, Anji took off towards the door, pursued just as quickly by the angry samurai. Unfortunately for the both of them, both they and the floor had gone slick with oil, resulting in Anji skidding right into the wall, while Baiken fell flat on their face. It wasn’t much of a deterrent, though, and they bolted out of the room screaming before Faust could even offer a goodbye.

“Oh, dear.” He sighed, sitting down on his desk. “I don’t think I’ll ever understand romance...”


	5. File: Rage, Millia, One, Zato, & Venom

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Very unorthodox couple's therapy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof I am bad at updates.
> 
> This probably isn't good for anyone who likes Zato.

“I’m going to kill you.” Millia’s tone was sharp and icy. “I’m going to kill you, cut you into little pieces, and bury each one at opposite ends of the earth so there’s no chance in hell _that you can ever come back again.”_

“E-er, alright, then…” Faust chose not to comment. “I appreciate your willingness to speak first, miss Rage. Zato? Venom? Who’s next?”

The assassins sat in a makeshift circle in the center of the room, alongside the doctor. None of them looked especially happy to be there, but Millia in particular looked like she was a half-second away from getting out of her chair and strangling someone with her hair.

“I suppose I can go next. If Lord Zato doesn’t wish to.” Venom sat up in his chair, a scowl half-hidden behind his long hair. “Millia, your treason has cost the Guild dearly. Your abandonment has sent us into chaos and disarray. What’s more, you broke our leader’s heart. Do you feel no shame?”

“Ah-ah, no questions, Venom.” Interrupted Faust. “Right now, we’re just verbalizing our emotions with the group. Questions can come later. Zato?” As soon as he mentioned the man’s name, his tone grew strained. “Would you like to go next?”

The blind man’s expression didn’t change. “If I must. Millia, I don’t understand why you left me. All I ever wanted was to make you happy. I never intended to hurt you. I’ve somehow earned your betrayal and your ire, and I don’t know how to respond to it, even after so long.”

Venom sat uncomfortably in his chair. “Was there anything you wanted to say about me, my lord?”

“Huh?” Zato said, turning in the man’s direction. “Who are you?”

He sighed. “Venom, sir.”

“You tried to kill a _child,_ you self-important son of a cow. Why am I supposed to-”

“Millia.” Faust stopped her. “We’re not quite at that part yet. I’d like to try and continue working with ‘I’ statements. In a relationship, it’s very important to be able to communicate exactly what the problem is in a non-inflammatory manner. Let’s go around again and try to explain what it is that each of you is upset about using ‘I’ statements.”

“I think you’re a deplorable imitation of a human who’s better off dead.”

Venom was already seething. “Well, _I_ Think you’re a shallow harlot who only thinks about-”

“Stop, stop, please.” The doctor sighed. “That’s not the point of this activity. The intention is to recognize our own emotions. The problem might not even necessarily be the other’s fault, only our perception of their actions.”

“You’re talking out of your ass.” Millia snapped.

“No?” Faust tilted his head. “I’m talking out of my mouth.”

“Millia, stop being so difficult.” Said Zato. “This activity is supposed to be beneficial for the both of us.”

“And me too, right, milord?”

“Who are you?”

“Fine. If I can finally get the hell out of here and away from _him_ -” Millia’s scowl somehow grew even more severe. “Then I’ll do it.”

Faust clasped his hands together. “Wonderful! What ‘I’ statements would you like to offer the circle, Millia?”

She took a breath. “I feel...well, when you commit murder and say it’s a loving gesture, I feel terrified.”

“Very good! An excellent start. Anything else?”

“I guess...Venom?” Millia turned to him. “When you follow Zato around like a loyal guard dog, it makes me...worried, I suppose. Like nothing’s ever changed. Like I never have anyone on my side, because everyone sides with Zato.”

“Excellent, excellent.” Faust took a few notes. “Can either of you offer any statements of your own?”

Venom stuck a hand up. “I’ll go. Millia, when you walk away from the guild, it makes me feel like a failure. Lord Zato is despondent, and it’s my task to fulfill his wishes.”

Millia gave him a look, though it wasn’t an angry one. “So he uses you like a little errand boy?”

“You’re not supposed to-”

Venom cut Faust off. “I only do what my master asks of me. It’s my purpose in life. You- er, _I feel_ like you toy with his feelings when you keep doing this. You still care about him, don’t you? I don’t understand why you draw this out for so long.”

She scoffed. “I don’t care. I have no interest in him at all. I just want to be left alone.”

Faust looked between then, slowly growing more dismayed. “You keep getting off-topic, can you please-”

“Wait, you aren’t interested in Lord Zato anymore?”

“Why the hell would you think that? I hate him. I’d sooner date the devil himself before I’d think of taking him back.”

“Oh.” Venom seemed at a loss for words. “So why am I mad at you?”

“How would I know? Because Zato is? I don’t hate you. You didn’t do anything.”

“Good, that’s good!” The tall man perked up. “You’re discussing your feelings. Zato, any additions?”

He nodded slightly. “Millia, you need to calm down. What do you think, uh...Venom?”

“I _am_ calm. Stop telling me how to talk.”

“I...guess I don’t know what I think.” Venom replied. “So much animosity has been holding me back, and it’s all been for nothing?”

“I have nothing against you. I just don’t understand.” Millia said. “Why do you stay? Do you know how much better you can do? I’ve seen the things you’re capable of. Your magic skills far surpass mine. You’re an attentive and dutiful person. I’m sure there’s plenty of men who could make you a lot happier than Zato could. Hell, the jackass can’t even remember your name for more than a minute. He doesn’t appreciate you.”

“He doesn’t…” Venom trailed off. “You do appreciate me, don’t you, milord?”

An awkward silence filled the room. Eventually, Zato nodded. “Of course I do, Vernon.”

“See! I told- oh.”

The assassin didn’t seem to notice Venom’s reaction. “Now, Millia, where were we?”

Millia covered her face with a hand. Even Faust sighed. “Well, I suppose that’s the end of the ‘I’ statements. Let’s move on, hopefully there’s no more interrup-”

“...You know what? You’re right!” Venom stood up out of his chair, and Faust proceeded to smash the clipboard over his own head. “I-I mean, um, perhaps I’m taking my loyalty a bit too seriously? I haven’t really explored my options at all, maybe you’re right? I could at least...peruse the dating market, as it were.”

The woman managed a smile. “Would you care to join me for a cappuccino? I know a nice place a few blocks from here, and the barista seems like your type.”

“I’m usually more of a tea person, but I suppose I can still try it out.” Venom lit up with an almost giddy smile. 

They both stood up, making Zato and Faust recoil in panic.

“Millia, where are you going- ?”

“You can’t just walk out in the middle of a session- !”

“Thanks a lot, doctor!” Venom waved halfway out the door. “I feel a lot better!”

Faust dropped the broken halves on his clipboard on the floor, defeated. When he had a moment to breathe, he looked back towards the only other person still left in the room with him. Zato hadn’t even bothered getting up or moving, still just facing the door with an expression of pure, slack-jawed confusion and disbelief.

For the first time, Faust almost felt sorry for the man.


	6. File: Man, Bed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> /screams into the abyss
> 
> Ok in my defense the semester has kind of been kicking my ass, but I'm still really sorry for not doing anything in a while.

“Patient file 3150. Name- Bedman, presumably a pseudonym. Height, 156cm- I highly doubt I’m that short-

Weight, unknown, appears to be underweight, possibly malnourished- I resent that.

Current areas of concern: Excessive daytime tiredness, compromised immune system, irritability- are you kidding me?!”

“I don’t usually let patients read their own documents, may I please have that back?”

Reluctantly, Bedman passed the papers back over the desk. His legs swung restlessly under the chair, too short to properly reach the floor.

“Your documents could use some modifications.”

Faust gave an internal sigh. “What is it that you’re thinking of?”

“Well, the ‘irritability’ seems unnecessary.”

“It’s a possible symptom of an underlying condition. I promise it isn’t a personal attack, I just want to have any concerns marked down in case they can contribute to a diagnosis. Anyway, I’m not very concerned about it right now.”

“Still, I don’t think I...need...to…” He started slumping in his chair, eyelids fluttering for a moment before he jolted back up like he’d been electrocuted. “-ah! W-what did I-”

“You didn’t miss anything.” Faust shuffled his papers, remaining completely nonplussed. “So, moving on. As long as you continue to eat more vegetables and protein I don’t have many concerns regarding your immune system, but if you catch something, please call me.”

“Going to have to tell that to Axl, he’s the one in charge of food.”

“Yes. Right.” He knew that, of course, but he’d rather not think about how much of the man’s diet was made up of liquor, bar food, and whatever he could scrape out of the trash. Hopefully it wasn’t rubbing off on him. “He’s still taking good care of you, yes?”

Bedman shrugged. “Well, I’m not dead, am I? He’s competent. Could be worse.”

Knowing the boy, it was likely the closest thing he would have given to a compliment. “Well, that’s good. Not the ideal scenario, but he seems to be doing a good job. Now, I have a question about- ah, hello?”

Faust snapped his fingers, waking Bedman back up from where he was nodding off. “How many times a day do you nod off like that?”

“Peculiar question, not sure why it’s relevant. I don’t keep count.”

“Can you give me a rough estimate?”

“I couldn’t tell you. It varies.”

“I see...well, since you refused to consent to a polysomnography, there’s only so much information I can use to make a diagnosis. But considering your…” He trailed off, realizing that his patient had fallen asleep again. “Narcolepsy. It’s narcolepsy.”

“Mhh?”

“Fortunately, I have something that could help.” Standing up, Faust moved over to one of the cabinets hanging from the walls. From it, he retrieved a little container of something that rattled. “I’ve created a modified methylphenidate variant, and based on my studies, it may be the proper medication to assist you with your condition.”

Bedman sent Faust an averse look. “I’m not taking pills from you.”

“What do you take me for?” The doctor looked hurt. “I’ve committed myself to the Hippocratic oath, and have sworn to do no harm!”

“You tried to stab me.”

“In my defense, you did try to kill me first.” Replied Faust. “I put all my medications through rigorous testing standards, I assure you everything I offer is completely nonlethal! Here.” With his free hand, he pulled a glass of what was hopefully water out from one of his many coat pockets. “Dry swallowing can irritate the esophagus and cause bleeding. I’d very much prefer to avoid that.”

The boy didn’t look particularly reassured. “‘Nonlethal...?’” He looked between the doctor and his outstretched hand. Ultimately, he relented, taking what he was offered and downing a pair of pills. “Fine.”

“Excellent!” Faust beamed “So, I’d like you to stay for a while so I can observe the effects. I want to make sure that there’s no concerning results.”

Bedman gave him a glare that could cut glass. “I thought you said it wasn’t dangerous!”

“It isn’t!” The doctor threw his hands up defensively. “Medications affect people differently. I can’t guarantee 100% effectiveness without any side effects whatsoever, I’d need to see how it reacts with your individual brain chemistry. Like I said, I test all my medications before giving them to people, I just don’t want something to accidentally go wrong.”

“Oh, isn’t that lovely. After everything, this is how I die. I guess it serves me right for being stupid enough to take it in the first place.”

“For goodness’ sakes, such a Negative Nancy! I promise everything will be just fine. At worst, nothing will even happen” Faust was being only mostly honest, but he didn’t admit that. Getting up out of his chair, he moved to push back a privacy curtain hanging from the other side of the room, revealing a little nook with a cot and a stack of books. “You’re free to sit over here if you’d like. It’s a fair bit comfier, especially if you start nodding off again. Please let me know if you need anything.”

He got another scowl as his patient wandered over to it. “At least you have decent tastes in literature.”

“Feel free to ready any of those. I’ve also got some textbooks in the cabinet if that’s more your speed.”

Mercifully, that seemed to be the end of any sharp comments or arguing. Within minutes, Bedman was nose-deep in a thick book detailing modern magic theory in between dozing off. Faust decided to take a lunch break, glancing up every so often to see if anything had changed. Nothing did, aside from the slowly growing stack of books.

“Feeling alright over there?” He asked.

“I’m okay, dad.”

“Alright, good to-” Faust cut himself off. “I’m sorry, what?”

“You left it outside, didn’t you? That’s what you told me.”

Was he mishearing? That didn’t sound right. Abandoning his lunch, Faust got up from the desk and approached. His patient looked a little flushed, but aside from that, he seemed relatively fine.

“Can you say that again, please? I don’t think I understood.”

“Outs- out- out- outside.” Bedman replied, stumbling over the word multiple times. “Isn’t that what you said?”

“...Where are we right now?” Asked Faust in reply.

“In the backyard!” The boy replied cheerily.

Well, that wasn’t much of a clarification. Did he mean a nice, normal one or the terrifying, murdery one? Why exactly was the scary alternate dimension of death called ‘The Backyard,’ anyway? Who thought that was a good idea?

Faust realized he was getting distracted. When he looked back down, he realized that, in addition to the reddened skin, Bedman’s hands were trembling and barely holding onto the book he’d been looking at.

“I love sleepovers.” He rambled to nobody in particular, eyes blown and smile wide. “This’ll be my first actually. I love them!”

“Sleepover?” That definitely wasn’t right. Faust had been very careful with his dosage, how could it be working incorrectly?

Charcoal. This was a situation that called for charcoal. Or tubes, if it was that bad. Maybe both? Faust knew he wouldn’t be so confused under normal circumstances, but he hadn’t been expecting anything to go wrong.

Bedman seemed completely unfazed by his own nonsensical chatter. He was rambling about something else that must have made sense to him, but really was just chopped-up bits of complete gibberish.

“I’m going to go get something for you to drink, can you hold still for just a minute? I promise I’ll be quick.”

From the looks of it, he hadn’t been understood at all. Bedman seemed too preoccupied with practically vibrating in place. “Mi-to-chon-dri-a-”

“The powerhouse of the cell, yes. I’ll be back in a minute, alright?”

He stood up, only to immediately feel something clinging onto his leg.

“Nooooo, don’t go!” It didn’t take a genius to guess who it was. Bedman seemed very displeased with the current state of events, and continued to try and climb Faust’s leg while the doctor in turn carefully attempted to pry him off.

“Can you please- let go- already??”

The boy was already in hysterical sobs. If he was trying to say anything, Faust had no idea what it was. And as if the universe wanted to make things just that little bit more complicated for him, the intercom suddenly began to beep. 

Without really thinking, he found himself more or less limping over to his desk in a panic, dragging along his patient all the way there.

“Yes, Fanny?”

“Hello, Sensei!” She greeted him, blissfully unaware of the current mess. “Just had a walk-in, one Mr. Potemkin? He’s got some papers for you. I’m not sure if you just want me to take them or if you’d like to see him yourself.”

“Yes, yes, fine, I-” Faust slapped himself in the face upon realizing what he had said.

“Alright! Sir, you’re free to head on in.”

Faust was not a man who liked to curse, but at that moment, he was considering it. Instead, with what few seconds he had before Potemkin arrived, he ripped the cabinet door open, knocking bottles and cans over in the search for a jar of black powder. When he finally found it, he yanked the top off and dumped a palmful of dust into his half-empty water bottle from lunch.

The doorknob rattled. He scraped Bedman off of his leg, all but threw him back onto the bed in the corner, and handed over the bottle of black water.

“Drink this, okay? And be quiet. I’ll be back in a minute.”

There was just enough time for him to yank the curtain closed, spin around on his heels, and put on an air of bright cheer at Potemkin entered.

“Afternoon, my good sir! What can I do for you today?”

It was difficult to tell, what with the man’s helmet in the way, but Potemkin didn’t look particularly suspicious. His attention was more on the pile of paperwork he was carrying.

“Hello, doctor, I just needed to drop off the medical transcripts that you asked for.” He shifted the paper slightly. “I originally intended to mail it, but I know President Gabriel was worried about security concerns…”

“Yes, yes, that’s perfectly alright.” Faust inwardly cringed at the pitch of his own voice. “Would you mind just putting it on my desk, please?”

Potemkin obliged. However, instead of merely putting it down and leaving, he started sorting through his own papers.

“Is...something wrong?”

“No, no, everything’s fine.” He replied. “Just want to double-check that everything is here and accounted for.”

Behind him, Faust’s eye started to twitch. “Ah. I see.”

In a last-ditch attempt to avoid losing his sanity (again), he chose to sit back down at his desk. His fingers dug into the legs of his pants so harshly that he was amazed that they didn’t rip. At the very least, Potemkin couldn’t see. The man was focused on his own work, everything would be fine as long as he just stayed-

Something hard hitting the floor echoed through the room. When Faust glanced over at it, he could spot a slowly-growing pool of dark water soaking the bottom of the curtain.

“What was that?” Potemkin swiveled towards it.

“O-oh, it’s nothing.” Faust replied, far less convincingly than he would have liked. “Sometimes things in storage just get a little bit unbalanced, I can mop it up later. Anyway, your documents?”

“Most of them look alright, just a few more-”

Something else hit the floor, harder and heavier than a water bottle. “Ow…”

Potemkin looked up again. “What on earth was _that?_ ”

“It’s nothing!” The doctor practically shouted. “Nothing at all!”

“Mom, have you seen my backpack? ‘M gonna be late for school…”

Both men watched the curtain shuffle and jolt. To Faust’s dismay, Bedman wiggled out from under the fabric, soaked in black water, looking just as confused on what was happening.

“I can’t find it…”

Potemkin eyed him with caution. “Is he...alright?”

Faust groaned, covering his face with his hands. “Apparently one of my medications has side effects that I wasn’t aware of. I was hoping I’d be able to do something about it, but my plans got interrupted.”

After a couple of attempts to stand, Bedman wandered over to Faust’s desk and managed to walk right into it, faceplanting and scattering documents.

“C-careful- !” Faust shouted, despite knowing that it was pointless. 

Despite practically dwarfing him with just one hand, Potemkin gave Bedman a gentle pat. “Can you please get off of my papers? I need them.”

Even if he had no idea what the man was saying, it at least managed to get his attention, which he promptly turned on the giant.

“Ah…” He stared up at Potemkin with sleepy, yet starstruck eyes. “Big squishy…”

Before anyone could stop him, he was already climbing onto the man’s lap and using a large arm as a support as he tried to get up higher.

Faust jumped out of his chair. “Be careful, be careful, don’t let him fall- !”

“Whee~!” Bedman made a happy little noise as he dropped off his perch, landing safely in Potemkin’s massive cupped hands.

“He seems very...excitable.” Said Potemkin, wearing an expression that straddled the line between ‘charmingly amused’ and ‘absolutely fucking confused.’ “You feel very warm, little one.”

“Thank you!”

“That wasn’t a compliment.” In an effort to try and calm the wet, wiggling mess of limbs in his hands, he started gently petting it with a finger. “Faust, can I see the medicine that you used?”

“Of course, if you think it would help.” In the process of grabbing more charcoal, he tossed the full bottle of pills over to the other man. “It’s methylphenidate, for narcolepsy. I guess it _does_ work, technically speaking, but this is definitely a bit much.”

“...Faust, this is ethylphenidate.”

“Pardon?”

“Here.” Potemkin handed the bottle back. “No ‘m’. It’s ethylphenidate.”

Faust swooped over, snatching the container back up. “What?! How could I-”

“I guess that explains it. Wrong medication.”

“H-how did…” He couldn’t finish his own sentence. Faust felt about ready to lie down on the floor and have a mental breakdown. Of course it had to happen today. Why not? 

No, no, he could do that later. Staving off a headache, he left and came back with more charcoal solution. “Ideally, this should be enough to neutralize it. If not, then, well...I’m sure I can find a way to write this whole thing off as an accident.”

“Wha~?”

“Nothing, Bedman, just drink your juice.”

With that insanity finally dealt with for the time being, Faust turned his attention back to the stack of scattered paper. “This is all of it, right, Potemkin? I shouldn’t be expecting another set?”

The man nodded. “Again, I’m sorry for giving you all this paper to sift through, I know it’s probably a lot to handle.”

“Well, if I’m being completely honest,” Faust shrugged, “this is the most normal thing that’s happened today. So I really cannot complain.”


	7. Omake: Jack-O

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As of right now, the only chapters I have left to write are for Dizzy, Raven, and Zappa (not necessarily in that order). I initially planned this to be a full chapter, but since it was basically built around one gag, there was a point where trying to make it any longer just got convoluted and tedious, so I decided to do it as an extra little half-chapter/omake instead. I was gonna put this at the end of the whole fic, but primal monkey brain demands instant gratification so here we are at 11pm regretting our life choices. Yay?

“Alright, let me get this straight.” Faust rubbed his temples, trying and failing to alleviate the headache that was blossoming behind his eyes. “So you drink _how_ much soda in a day?”

The white-haired girl tilted her head, deep in thought. “I’m not good with numbers. At least six cans a day, usually.”

_”SIX??”_ desperately attempting to keep his composure, he took a deep breath and tried to scrub the image from his mind. “You… _do_ drink things other than soda, yes?”

“Uh-huh!” She nodded.

“Thank goodness…”

“When I get bored of soda, then I have juice!”

That wasn’t better. It really wasn’t. “Um, okay, l-let’s discuss the other aspects of your diet. How many leafy greens do you eat in a day?”

“Ick!” She stuck out her tongue and shuddered in disgust. “I don’t eat those, they taste bad!

“You don’t eat _any_ vegetables?” _Okay, it’s alright, Faust, just breathe._ “What about fruits?”

“Oh! Yeah, I love them!”

“Thank god…”

“They’re really yummy in sherbet and popsicles!”

How was this woman still alive?? Reluctantly, he wrote down what she’d told him. Truly, Faust wondered if she was pulling some kind of prank on him. She had the body of a model, how on earth could she survive on sugar and look like that? It had to be a joke, right? Or- or maybe she was really, really dense somehow. She wasn’t human, was she? Maybe she was just small and dense. Was that even possible? Was it logical? Not in the slightest, but Faust was struggling to process everything. There were fast metabolisms, and then there was whatever in the name of god that Jack-O Valentine was.

“R-right. So, I don’t have your measurements aside from your height yet, so I’d like to check the scale, just for the sake of being thorough. Unless you know your approximate weight?”

“Yup! 99 pounds.”

If Faust had been drinking anything, he would have spit it out. “I-I- what-?!”

“I can measure it, though!” Jack-O hopped off the examination table and got on the weighing scale. With lightning-fast fingers, she slid the weights across the bar until they balanced perfectly at, what else, 99 pounds.

“T-that-” The doctor stammered, feeling all logic and reason corroding in his mind. “H-how-”

“Are we all done now? Can I have a lollipop?”

Faust calmly placed his paper and pen down on his desk, climbed out of his chair, and proceeded to curl up on the floor.

“That’s enough. That’s enough, I’m done.”

Jack-O watched him, head tilted. “Hey, doc? You okay?”


	8. File: Kiske, Dizzy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been so long since I finished another one of these! Sorry for the delay, and I hope you enjoy! Only two more chapters to go!

The winged woman had come rushing into his office, already half-hysterical and screaming like her tail was on fire.

“Doctor, please, you have to help me! I’m dying!”

It certainly was a very good method of immediately getting his attention. “Miss Dizzy? What’s wrong?”

She gestured wildly as she spoke, though unfortunately very little of what she said was at all distinguishable from how fast it came out. Faust could just barely make out ‘feathers,’ ‘wings,’ and something about rotting.

“Please try to calm yourself, I can’t understand what you’re saying.” Said Faust. “Deep breaths. Is something wrong with your wings? Did you injure them?”

“MY WINGS ARE FALLING OFF!” Dizzy screeched, wrapping her arms tightly around her own body. “Th-that must mean I’m dying! Necro and Undine won’t stop freaking out!”

“Please, Miss Dizzy, deep breaths.” Her wings were folded neatly behind her back, making it difficult to see anything out of the ordinary. “I’ll do my best to help you. But I need you to try and explain. I don’t see what’s wrong with them. Can you do that for me?”

She nodded, still a bit teary-eyed. Dizzy gingerly stretched out her blue wing, allowing her glossy feathers to shine proudly under the office lights. Though many of them were out of alignment, in need of a good preening, otherwise he saw nothing notable.

“I’m afraid I still don’t understand. Your wings seem to be in perfect condition. What makes you think there’s something wrong with them?”

“Look! Look at them!” Her lip quibbled as she tried not to cry again. Dizzy fluffed her wings up, sending a cloud of feathers onto the ground. Faust inwardly winced at the thought of having to sweep the floor again, but he realized that it didn’t matter at the moment.

“Miss-” He tried to raise a hand to stop her, but before he could, Dizzy began pulling out her own feathers. 

“See? See? They’re all coming off!”

“Miss Dizzy! You shouldn’t hurt yourself- !”

But Dizzy didn’t look hurt. The feathers came out easily. She didn’t even wince as she yanked. They simply pulled free and floated to the ground in piles of ice-blue and dark green.

“Oh.” Faust tapped his chin. “That's odd…”

“Th-they’ve been doing this since last night!”

He thought for a moment. “Ma’am, how much do you know about birds?”

The oddness of the question seemed to snap her out of her hysteria. “Huh?”

“Do you know anything about bird behaviors?”

“Well, just a bit. I used to help birds that were injured in the Demon’s Forest, back when Testament looked after me. I know about what they eat, and things like that. The forest had excellent seeds, but I will admit that living in the castle means we can afford some high-quality mixes, which is nice.”

“I see.” The doctor nodded. He made a mental note to seek out the man in question and ask him about improving his dietary habits. His ribs were _horrifying_. 

It took him a moment to realize that he’d missed the latter half of what she’d been saying. “Wait, what?”

“I, hehe…” She blushed uncomfortably, glancing off. “Sometimes when I go to fill the bird-feeders, I eat some of the seed mixes we use. Ky thinks I just like taking very good care of the birds in the courtyard. I mean, I do, but I can’t help myself sometimes, they’re so crunchy…”

Dizzy giggled to herself while Faust gaped. To stymie his growing bewilderment, he took a breath and reached into his coat, pulling out a textbook on birds. “So, back to the matter of your wings. Are you sure this is the first time they’ve shed?”

She nodded. “Ever since they grew in.”

“‘Grew in?’”

“Yes. They appeared right about when I turned three.”

Faust flipped through the bird book, eventually offering it to her. “Peculiar biology aside, Miss Dizzy, I assure you that this is completely normal. Most birds go through a molt annually.”

She ran her fingers across a colorful diagram of a bird in mid-flight. “Really?”

“I can imagine that your wings would be abnormally durable, considering you’re a Gear. I would worry if it was very painful or it caused bleeding, but if they’re simply falling off of their own accord, then I would just allow the process to take its course. New plumage should grow back to replace it. Aside from that, the only thing I would really recommend is to eat a vitamin-rich diet so your new feathers are healthy and to preen your old feathers infrequently to keep any loose ones from getting stuck.”

“Preen?” Dizzy looked up from the book, tilting her head.

“I would have figured you did that regularly already?” Going into the cabinet under his desk, Faust dug around until he emerged with a strange little metal brush. “Here, I knew I had it somewhere! This should help dislodge any loose feathers.”

She clasped her hands together. “Oh, that’s wonderful! Thank you, doctor!”

“My pleasure!” He walked around the desk, coaxing his patient into a chair and settling behind her. “Here, I can give you a quick tutorial on how to use it!”

Dizzy suddenly went pink. “Um, right now?”

“Of course! What better time? Besides, I’ll have an easier time reaching the feathers on your back!”

“I-I’m not ready yet!”

“Not ready?” He paused for a moment. “You won’t feel a thing! It’s completely harmless, just like brushing your hair! Now, just let me find a good spot to start-”

As soon as he ran the brush through a cluster of feathers, he was taken off-guard by a sharp gasp. Dizzy stiffened up in her chair, hands trembling in her lap.

“Are you alright?” He said, immediately pulling the brush away. “I didn’t expect that would hurt you, I’m so sorry, was there a tangle?”

She didn’t respond. Faust wasn’t sure if she’d heard him. Before he could ask again, though, she turned to face him, looking utterly mortified.

“D-doctor!” Dizzy stammered, face bright red. “I’m a married woman!”

“I...know?” Replied Faust, more a question than a response. “What does that have to do with your…” He trailed off as he connected the dots, and as soon as it hit him, he threw himself backwards, windmilling his arms in a panic. “I’m so sorry! I didn’t realize-!”

“N-no, it’s okay! You didn’t know!” Dizzy tried to assure him, while being equally harried. 

Any continued conversation was interrupted as Faust was thrown further across the room and into the wall, though not by his own volition. A spike of ice pinned his sleeve to the wood, with the rest of him dangling under it.

“Undine!” The Gear cried, watching her transformed wing prepare another blast of ice. The mass of green wings on her other side also began to morph, becoming a hooded skeleton who seemed to take great delight at the chaos unfolding before him. “Necro! Not you, too!”

“This is my favorite jacket…” Faust murmured sadly, taking a moment to realize that he had a bigger problem to worry about. “Uhoh.”

“Doctor! Run!”

A hard tug managed to dislodge him from the wall. Faust pulled himself to his feet, vaulting over his desk and sending a shower of paperwork onto the floor. He only had a moment to bemoan how much of pain it was going to be to clean up and sort them again when a burning-red beam of light carved a line into the floor inches away from his foot. Something hissed as he jumped out of the way, though thankfully he could only smell burning fabric. All the while, Dizzy was wrestling with her two guardians, attempting to calm them down and get them to fold back up.

“Stop it, you two! He didn’t mean it! It was an accident!”

She began trying to physically hold them back, managing to send a shower of ice spikes into the ceiling, rather than the doctor’s back. Faust continued ducking narrowly out of harm’s way. He could see the door getting closer and closer. He extended a hand, trying to grab onto the knob so he could jerk it open, skid across the floor, and-

“Sensei?!”

Without warning, the door swung open on its own. It clocked Faust clean in the face, managing to knock him over, on his ass, and out in the spanse of a half second.

“I heard screaming, I wasn’t sure if you wanted my help, so-” Fanny stepped into the room, looking around in confusion. “Sensei?”

Necro and Undine were so surprised by the sudden change, Dizzy managed to take advantage of the moment of shock to forcefully smack them back into their feathery forms. When she was sure that they wouldn’t be popping out again, she let out a heavy breath and donned a relieved smile.

“Thank you so much, ma’am. Your timing couldn’t have been better.”

“Oh. Uh, you're welcome?” Fanny grinned sheepishly, stepping into the room and closing the door behind her. “Always happy to help, even if I don’t know what I did. Say, you don’t happen to have seen- Sensei!” 

She spotted the man on the floor and flew to his side, sitting him up against the wall as he began to rouse. “Sensei? Are you okay?”

“~Biscayne Bay, where the Cuban gentlemen sleep all day, I went searching~” Faust murmured half-coherently, and Dizzy could swear she saw little paper-bag-wearing birdies circling his head. After a few moments, he seemed to start getting his bearings.

Dizzy looked positively mortified. “I’m so sorry! I-I knew Necro and Undine were protective, but I never would have expected them to do that so abruptly!”

“Fine, fine, everything is ab-so-lute-ly fine.” He said, pressing a hand to his head and using the other to wave reassuringly. “I think we’re done for today…”

“Understandable, I’ve inconvenienced you enough.” Dizzy nodded, putting a hand into her pocket. “Do I give the money to you?”

“Fanny will handle it, I think I’m gonna go find an ice pack before my whole face starts turning purple.” The nurse helped him stand back on his own two feet. “Wait, wait a moment, just one more question.”

“Yes?”

“Do they always do that whenever you get...intimate?”

Dizzy turned flustered again, covering her pink cheeks with both hands. “Um, yes, it’s been a bit of a problem. I can usually handle them better, but it took me a few tries at first. Poor Ky, I think he’s still got the scar on his-”

“Miss Dizzy, please,” Faust cut her off. “I know I’m a doctor, but even for me, there’s such a thing as ‘too much information.’”


	9. File: Raven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rated M for Raven being Raven

“Mr Raven, please put the stapler down.”

The man in question pouted indignantly, before relenting and putting the object back on the desk.

“Alright, getting back to where we were from last time. How have you been?”

“Oh, nothing new under the sun, as they say.” Replied Raven, slouching comfortably in his chair. Things have been ever-so-quiet ever since the Universal Will popped up. The only real moments of interest I can think of are last month’s session…”

“And?” Faust tilted his head. “Was there something else to go with that?”

“No, no, that was all.”

“Raven.” He said sternly. 

“...I may have impaled myself on a barbed-wire fence and...allowed myself to get chewed on by guard dogs when it wasn’t strictly necessary.”

“I see. I was afraid of that.” Picking up his pen, Faust jotted down a little scribble on Raven’s form. “I was hoping that you would be able to go three weeks without any major self-injurious behaviors. On that note, hand them over.”

Raven blinked. “Pardon?”

“Your weapons. Give them to me.”

“I already gave you my gloves.” For emphasis, he held up his paper-white hands for Faust to see.

The doctor shook his head. “You and I both know you’ve got more. And I know I’ve told you already, you are to relinquish all of your weapons at the start of therapy sessions. I don't appreciate your lackadaisical approach to my office rules. Now hand them over.”

Wearing a displeased frown, Raven retrieved a set of long needles from his pocket with one hand and set them on Faust’s desk. With the other, he found a firm grip on the horn jutting out of his head.

“Ah- no need for that, that one can stay where it is.”

“If you insist~”

Faust took a deep breath, dispelling his frustration. “Carrying on, then.”

“So what were you hoping to do with me today, doctor?” Asked Raven. “I really think you should skip the analysis this time and skip right to the electroconvulsive.”

“That wouldn’t have any effect on you.” Faust replied, unamused. “But I think you already know that.”

The immortal shrugged. “It would be fun to try.”

“Actually, I have been reviewing your files and trying to construct something better tailored to your individual circumstances. Clearly any medication would be pointless, so I’ve decided to forego any kind of methods designed to work in tandem with medicines in favor of a wholly psychology-based approach-” Faust pulled his desk scissors out of Raven’s hands and put them away without breaking pace “-considering that other approaches so far have been very unsuccessful. And, though I don’t mean to sound morbid, I’m well aware that you’re likely going to outlive me by quite a significant amount of time. So I would like to at least set you on a good path as long as I’m here.”

Raven gave him a sardonic smile. “Are you the only one who can cure me, doctor?”

“Oh heavens, no. But if I haven’t at least attempted to improve your quality of life, can I really call myself a doctor?”

“...I suppose that’s true.” He replied after a moment. “I forget how you can be sometimes.”

“How I can be…?” It felt like an insult somehow, but Faust couldn’t put a finger on it. He just shook his head and moved on. “Well, I’ve said similar things to your colleague. I certainly have nothing against healthy sexual expression, but you take it far beyond safe levels.”

“Are you familiar with that area of expertise, doctor?”

“Hmm? Of course I know quite a bit about paraphilias, if that’s what you’re asking. I need to know when it’s disruptive to a patient’s lifestyle and well-being-”

“Anything new you can teach me?”

“I’d be glad to-” Faust caught himself when he realized what Raven was actually asking, along with how he was currently waggling his eyebrows. “-I’m going to stop you right there, Mr. Raven.”

“Aww…”

“What is with this organization attempting to seduce me today…” The doctor muttered to himself, rubbing his temples. “There is still no cause or reasoning behind paraphilic disorders that the medical community agrees upon. Some believe it’s some sort of association or conditioning process, whether consciously or unconsciously. I can’t say for sure myself-”

He caught Raven glancing off. “Is something wrong?”

“Oh, no, nothing.” The immortal snapped back to attention. “Please continue.”

“...Right.” For safety’s sake, Faust picked up the can of pens on his desk and slid it further out of Raven’s reach. “As I was saying, there may be any number of reasons why it developed in the first place.”

Raven shrugged. “After you’ve been alive long enough, I find I’m open to more and more concepts. You get curious, or at least less averse.”

“I see the logic behind that. Repetitive behaviors would probably get dull and frustrating. But where is the leap from boredom to masochism?”

Another shrug. “I couldn’t tell you. Even if I remembered, it’s been a very long time.”

Spindly fingers drummed on the desktop. “Perhaps it has something to do with your work environment? Do you feel like your co-workers encourage you into self-destructive tasks, because of your immortality?”

Raven’s eyes shot open. “Absolutely not! Asuka has actually been very concerned about that lately, he’s the one who recommended I take this up in the first place.”

“Well, that’s good to hear. I’m glad you have people who care about your well-being. Why don’t we-” Faust moved to open a desk drawer, but in doing so, manage to knock several papers onto the floor. “Oh dear. I’m sorry, one moment.”

It didn’t take long to clean up. However, as soon as he sat back down, Faust’s expression dropped.

“Raven?”

“Yes, doctor?”

“I told you to give me all your weapons before we started.”

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

“Raven, I am very sure that you did not have a knife in your ribcage twenty seconds ago.”

“Are you sure you just didn’t notice it until now?”

_“Raven-”_

He sighed and let it go. There was no point wasting time and energy fighting. _“Moving on._ Let’s discuss your personal life. What do you do in your free time? Any activities?”

“Aside from the violent things, ah…” Raven thought for a moment. “I’m not as engaged as I was in the past, I don’t have much in the way of hobbies, as it were. All I do regularly aside from doing tasks for Asuka is looking after the birds.”

“Birds?”

“My little ravens?” With a small flourish, he lifted up his cloak, allowing a little black bird to flap out and perch on the man’s arm. 

“...Where were you keeping-”

“Don’t worry about it.” He cut Faust off, gently petting the animal with a finger. “They’re my companions. Always by my side, since the very beginning. I find...comfort in them. I’ve helped raise many nests over the centuries. I still manage to feel something stirring within me whenever a new generation is born.”

The doctor nodded in approval. “That’s wonderful! Very good to hear! I’ll admit I’m not well-versed in aviculture, but it’s good to know you do have things you work on in your free time. Is there anything else you can share with me about them, Raven?”

There was a tiny glimmer of excitement in his eyes. “I have pictures, would you like to see?”

“Why not! If they seem so important to...you…”

Faust wasn’t sure what he had been expecting. A little stack, possibly, or a folding wallet packed with a train of photos.

As soon as Raven pulled out a battered, full-to-bursting _scrapbook_ , he could already feel the regret from his decision.

“Goodness, that’s...awful large, isn’t it?”

“I suppose so. Ah, memories…” Raven gave the object a wistful, nostalgic look before placing it on the desk. “Shame books are only so durable. I bound the first version myself, cut the beechwood and sewed the ligaments by hand! Though I will admit, my favorite certainly has to be the calfskin I re-bound it with in 1274. Not the finest job, I was never much good with leatherwork, but it had such a pleasantly soft texture to it.”

Before Faust could intervene, he flipped the book open. “Let’s begin!”

The first page was filled with scribbly sketches. Faust was confused, but he realized after a moment that, considering the dates scattered across it, this had to have been several hundred years before photography had been invented. “Did you draw this?”

“Correct. I wasn’t the best artist in my village, but I could manage birds.” He pointed to the top of a family tree, annotated with words Faust was pretty sure hadn’t been relevant in at least eight centuries, give or take. “These are the first two ravens I adopted, Adelmar and Eoforhild! I remember that was such a popular name back then, I never saw it much after that whole affair with the Normans…”

He had been expecting pictures, was Raven going to talk about all of them!? “So Raven-”

“Adelmar was an absolute softie, he and I got along very well right from the start. Eoforhild took a bit of time, such a spitfire she was. Kept pecking at my fingers. And that was before I became so numb to pain, mind you, so it did sting quite a bit. It took me a couple of times before they trusted me enough to help with their nesting, here’s the first group of eggs I handled! And this is Friedenot, the largest of the nest- I renamed her Frida when I realized, I didn’t know much about ravens at the time. And that’s Fulco, Gasto, Gero, Ermilinda, and Ada! Short for Adalheidis. Though half of them died within the first few weeks, sad to say.”

“Raven.” He said more forcefully. “How long have you been doing this?”

“Oh, ages. Can’t remember the exact day but I could offer a rough estimate. I know their nest hatched in 1140. I’ve been raising them ever since! Had a bit of time where I was more hands-off, back when I started working as a glorified handyman.” A bit of bitterness tinged his voice, quickly replaced with melancholy. “Poor babies, I think they missed me. But the birds seemed so happy to see me when I came back, and I think they liked the new spike. Oh, now where was I...that’s right! Ada met another raven and she had a nest before the rest of her siblings. Such a pity, martens got into the nest and ate almost all of them. I was so heartbroken, but-”

 _‘He’s a crazy cat lady’_ Faust thought to himself. _‘Except with birds. Or- wait, he’s centuries old, does that mean all crazy cat ladies are just crazy bird ladies but with cats? Are they all derivatives of Raven? Is he the very first crazy cat lady?’_

He was really going to need a drink after this. “So, erm, getting back on track-”

“And this was the first time I had a very successful hatching season! Ortwin and Gerhild had six beautiful eggs together, and all of them hatched into healthy little balls of fluff. Here are the drawings I did! I named this one Gerhild the Second, that’s Hildegard, then Gotelieb, Leobwin, Arnulf, and Odo! Odo was especially handsome, had a little notch in his beak and the glossiest feathers I’d ever seen…”

++++++

_“...ctor? Doct...ello?”_

“Hnk- _pretzel logic-_ ” Faust jolted to attention with a snort. “I mean, yes?”

When had he nodded off? How positively unprofessional of him! He wanted to chastise himself for such an error, until he realized that the wall clock indicated it had been over a half hour, and Raven was still only on the third page. And with the day he’d been having, maybe he needed a nap.

Raven was still staring at him. “I’m sorry, did you ask something and I missed it?”

“No, no, you just seemed distracted. All quiet all of a sudden.” The doctor had a little moment of relief at the thought that his paper bag hid most of his face. Raven must not have even realized. “Are you feeling alright?”

He nodded emphatically, to dispel any suspicions. “Absolutely! Everything is fine. I enjoyed hearing about your birds. Very interesting stuff.”

“Really? How kind of you.” Raven’s eyes were bright as he folded the book closed and held it to his chest again. “I suppose I’ll have to bring it to my next session, then!”

“W-well, let’s not get too carried away-” He backpedaled.

“I would love to talk to you more, but I understand you’re a busy man and probably need me to be prompt. I’ll see you in three weeks?”

Faust deflated in his chair, feeling any lingering fight in him escaping. He just needed to keep his cool for a little bit longer. And besides, even with his slip-up, it hadn’t been that bad a session. At least distracting Raven seemed to have had a positive effect. Initial stumbles aside, most of the time had been spent letting him ramble harmlessly about his interests. Better using his time for that than for any harmful behavior. 

Yes, that was it. He absolutely could count it as a success. It had actually gone quite well, all things considered. Faust was feeling very proud of himself.

He reached for one of Raven’s documents and pulled it in front of him. The man himself stood up and bowed politely. “Farewell, doctor.”

“Farewell, Mr. Raven.” He replied, immediately returning his attention to his work. He reached out towards his pen can and let his fingers close around...nothing?

What? Had he just missed it? Faust looked to his side, at his hand. It hadn’t been a mistake. The container really was empty. He kept so many writing utensils on hand, where on earth could they have all vanished to?

On instinct, he glanced up at Raven as he opened the office door. His cloak was more or less pinned to his back from the number of pens and pencils jammed in, along with his desk scissors. 

“Raven…” It slipped out before he could stop himself, along with the groan and dismay-drenched tone. 

The man turned back around. “Yes?”

“I kind of need those.”


	10. File: Zappa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zappa definitely needs therapy, though this wasn't exactly the kind he'd been expecting

“Mr. Smiley, you’re the only one around here who respects me.”

Faust’s voice was muffled from where he’d pressed his face into the desk, arms dangling beneath. He weakly kneaded the happy-face stress ball on his desk, who continued to beam unfailingly despite the sheer level of nonsense that had made up most of the day. A headache had slowly creeped up on him for the last hour, and he would have preferred nothing more than going to bed at that point. But he only had one more patient to handle, he could manage that much, right? Right?

“Ugh…” He reached for the memo pad. “Let’s see who it is…”

When he dashed out the most recent time block and moved onto the next, he found himself breathing a sigh of relief. “Thank goodness. Something simple.”

Picking up a glass of water and perking up in his chair, Faust pressed the intercom as it began to blink.

“Ah, right on schedule! Fanny, send him in, please.”

“Yessir!”

++++++

“Um, so why am I here?”

Zappa had to crane his neck back in order to watch the man currently pacing in front of him. He knew Dr. Faust was a peculiar man, but the several minutes of near-silence had seemed more odd than usual. And, quite frankly, it was starting to stress him out. Was there some kind of bad news? Was there something new wrong with him?

“...I’ve been meaning to speak with you lately.” Faust eventually said, making his patient nearly fall out of his seat in shock. “There’s something new I thought we should talk about.”

“S-something new?” He asked, paling.

“Yes. I’ve looked over all your charts to cross-examine my most recent findings, so I’m fairly confident on this.”

He could feel his heart sinking on his chest. “Okay.” He nodded, voice small. “I’m- I’m ready.”

“Excellent. Alright.” Faust offered a solemn nod of his own. “Following your current treatment, this is my advised next step- Assertiveness training!”

“Huh?”

“Assertiveness training!” Faust repeated cheerily. Zappa couldn’t tell if he was joking or not. “I’ve come to the conclusion that your medium abilities are only part of the overall issue! You, mister Zappa, are a doormat! A bona-fide wimp!”

“Well, no need to sugarcoat it…”

“-And that’s another source of your issues!” The doctor gave an affirmative nod. “According to my current theory, those spirits possessing you do so with such ease because you are unable to assert yourself against them! In order to be able to properly control them, you need to know how to control yourself!”

Despite his uneasy expression, Zappa nodded. “Um, alright. How does that...work, exactly?”

“I’m glad you asked! Assertiveness training is a type of CBT. It’s all about working on unhelpful thoughts and regulating emotions.”

Another nod, this one more confident. “Oh, I think I’ve heard of that! Randy looks up CBT on the personal terminal back at the office all the time! I didn’t realize he’s into psychology, that’s fascinating.”

Faust thought for a moment on whether or not to say something. It was probably better to not. He didn’t need a repeat of that weekend in Annandale. 

“Hey, can you hear me, doctor?” Zappa was fidgeting in his chair. “Are you okay? You spaced out.”

“Did I? My apologies. Right. So we’ll be mainly focusing on how you react to situations and modifying them. There’s a line between assertiveness and meanness, but I think we’re going to deal with the opposite problem more frequently. So, are you willing to give it a try?”

“I guess it won’t hurt to try…”

“That’s the spirit!” Replied Faust. “Alright, let’s start with a scenario, give me a bit of an insight to your thought process. Let’s say you decided to spend a nice afternoon at the Illyrian Expo. You’re having a good time so far, but you’re really excited to ride the ferris wheel! So you-”

“F-ferris wheel?” Zappa stammered, paling. “Those are so scary, they go up so high in the air and you can’t get back down! Bit too much of a thrill for me…”

“Mmm, well, can’t buy that, I suppose.” Faust tapped his foot in thought. “Alright, forget the ferris wheel. You get in line to buy some food for lunch. Does that work better?”

“What kind of food?”

“It- the kind of food doesn’t matter.” He waved him down, trying to stay on topic. “What matters is this- you get in line, waiting patiently for your turn to order. Suddenly, someone walks right up and cuts in front of you in line without asking. So what do you do in response?”

Zappa already looked uneasy at the prospect. “What do you mean?”

“Well, are you just going to let that person cut in line, when you and everyone else were waiting your turn?”

“Of course, why wouldn’t I? I-I wouldn’t want to upset them.”

“...So you’ll just let someone treat you like that?” Faust cocked his head. “What about that time back at Illyria castle? You seemed perfectly alright speaking up when the guard wouldn’t let you in.”

That made Zappa cover his face in embarrassment. “I know, I know, I still feel bad for yelling at him. He didn’t do anything wrong. It was the end of the world on the line, I was just a little frazzled.”

Disappointing, but Faust didn’t say it out loud. “I will admit, that’s a bit concerning. That puts us a bit further back than I was expecting. Alright, well now that I have a better idea of where we are, let’s try to work on how you interpret the scenario. So you said you weren’t willing to speak up about the person who cut in front of you in line. Can you tell me why?”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, no, it isn’t something you need to apologize over. I genuinely want to know. What is it exactly that you’re afraid of if you say something?”

“That they’ll be mad at me?”

“That they’ll be mad.” He repeated, nodding. “I see. You can’t assume everyone is going to be aggressive towards you. Consider this! It’s entirely possible they slighted you without realizing, so if you brought that mistake to their attention, they wouldn’t be upset with you.”

“W-well if it was only an accident, then I really have no need to be mad-”

“Assertiveness isn’t about being _mad_ , Zappa. It’s about expressing yourself in a healthy manner. As long as you aren’t being overly aggressive or making wildly unreasonable requests, there’s nothing wrong with speaking up.”

Faust watched his patient twist his hands uncomfortably. “I don’t think I’m hungry anymore. No, definitely not hungry. Going to the fair was a bad idea, I really should have just stayed home.”

This was quickly becoming aggravating. Faust reminded himself to stay relaxed. “Ah, maybe we’re better off starting with a new scenario. Does that sound okay with you?”

He nodded. “Okay. I trust you.”

“So first, let’s talk about one method you can try in an uncomfortable situation. Then let’s see if you can apply it to the situation. It’s called ‘fogging.’”

“Creepy…”

“Not especially. Fogging is a technique that’s especially useful when you’re already in an unpleasant situation, when someone is behaving in a way that’s aggressive or demanding. The goal is for you to keep calm and not get overwhelmed. Instead of immediately giving into whatever their demands are, do your best to avoid becoming defensive. You acknowledge the facts of what they’re trying to say, without encouraging a confrontation.”

Zappa looked lost. “So fight...but don’t fight?”

“Not fight. Just stay calm, and try not to let their frustration get to you.” Faust sat back down in his chair and steepled his fingers. “Let’s try and use a situation from your job. So, you’re working on a large project with a group of your co-workers. You divide up the world into different tasks, so everyone is contributing. You make sure to do your work on time, but when you come into the office the next day, you find one of your teammates looking very upset with you-”

As soon as those words escaped, Zappa wilted and curled up in his chair. “Oh no. Oh no, I messed up. I didn’t mean to- they’re gonna be so mad, so mad. Who is it? Who’s mad at me? Is it Ellsworth? I knew he didn’t really like me. Th-this is fake, right? Or maybe I really _did_ forget to do something, I know I left early last night, I should check-”

This was already out of hand. “No, Zappa, you really don’t have to-”

“Maybe I should call, see if I really did miss something. I- I’d _hate_ to submit something late, I know I’m not really important, but I don't want to let the team down and drag everyone into trouble.” He dialed up a magic-com, fingers drumming anxiously in his lap. He listened to the office’s dial tone twice, before a large hand grabbed his wrist and moved it away until the call broke. “-eep!”

“Slow down for a minute.” Faust rubbed his temples. He was starting to consider hypnotism and skipping all this difficult work, but he was pretty sure the FBI was still mad at him from the last time. Not like he _told_ the guy to set the wagon on fire, but- “I don’t understand. We keep derailing from the topic. It feels like you aren’t trying to work with me here.”

“I _am_ trying! This is difficult!” Zappa snapped at him, yanking his arm free. His expression only lasted a moment, before shifting into timid panic. “O-oh no, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to yell…”

Ohhh, _now_ they were getting somewhere. When he was confident he wasn’t going to try making another call, Faust went to sit back down again.

“Do you often get frustrated?”

“I don’t like getting mad in general. Mother says it’s destructive. Why?”

“I’m thinking about out approach. Maybe we can try working backwards. Once we practice anger, it can be made into something more constructive.”

“Wh- huh?” Zappa was bewildered. “Practice anger? How am I supposed to make myself angry?”

“Talk about politics?” Suggested Faust. “No, actually, don’t do that. How about…” Oh, _duh,_ “the time you spent possessed a few years ago. Didn’t that make you frustrated?”

“I guess. I was more scared than anything, though.”

The doctor wasn’t convinced. At least, he wasn’t going to give up without a decent bit of effort. “No anger? Not even a little?”

“I mean, it was pretty awful, and nobody wanted to help me.” He looked reproachful. “But- but that’s all behind me now, isn’t it? As long as I’ve got my scale, I know what places are safe, then they can’t possess me most of the time!”

Good lord, this kid would do anything to avoid conflict, wouldn’t he. Faust was feeling has patience thinning. Maybe if he’d been able to fix this problem before, he wouldn’t have to deal with it...

He felt his lips twitch with a smirk. “Ah. Well, I’m very happy to hear you resolved the issue yourself. I’d theorized you’d be able to deal with it after enough pressure.”

That got Zappa’s attention immediately. “Wait, what?”

“Humans are very innovative, you know! And the more apparent stress they’re under, the more brilliant they tend to be! So it only made sense.”

He blinked in confusion. “I still don’t think I understand?”

Faust grinned under his bag. “I knew how to fix your predicament. I simply thought that it would be best to let you handle it yourself. Self-reliance and all that!”

All the color drained from his face. “So you’re saying you...you-”

“Yup!” 

Finally, success!

“You… _left me to die!?”_

Then, to his surprise, Zappa leaped out of his chair, practically flew over the desk, and knocked him to the ground, grabbing onto his shirt collar. Faust expected to see the man’s eyes pale and fogged-over, but they seemed perfectly lucid, and positively burning with rage.

 _“I WENT TO JAIL FOR THREE MONTHS!”_ He screamed, shaking the man like a doll with a remarkable amount of strength. _“THREE! MONTHS!_ Do you know what it’s like in prison?! The food tastes like dirt and they only let me call my mom once!”

Faust was too bewildered by the suddenness of it all to even dare try responding. And despite the man’s meek nature, Zappa looked absolutely horrifying. 

“AND THAT WAS JUST BECAUSE YOU COULDN’T BE ASSED TO HELP?! _DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I ALMOST DIED!?”_ He slammed the man backwards, though thankfully the head of his chair padded the impact. “I still can’t move my wrist properly! I spent six months in a damn wheelchair because the bones in my legs were broken into tiny little splinters! YOU JUST DIDN’T CARE WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?!”

Code red, code red, this was absolutely not how this was supposed to have gone. It was hard to focus in between the shrieking and the harsh shaking.

“YOU NO-GOOD SCAMMING SELF-RIGHTEOUS SHAM OF A DOCTOR! HOW DARE YOU! HOW DARE YOU! WHO GAVE YOU THE RIGHT?!”

++++++

“Aaaaand there it goes.”

Faust’s voice was accompanied by a neat little click. He looked himself over in the mirror, making sure the new neck brace was in place. Didn’t do much for the black eye or the various other bruises, but at least he had that going for him.

Another wail made his shoulders sag. “Zappa, it’s alright, I know you didn’t mean to hurt me.” 

Still thoroughly uncomfortable, he closed the cabinet and turned back around. It was arguably better than someone trying to beat him to death or blowing up his office, but it certainly was more embarrassing. His patient was currently sobbing half-hysterically on the floor, just like he had been for the past twenty minutes. Aside from the brief bit of attending to his own wounds and insisting to Fanny that no, they did not need to call the police (or an ambulance, they kind of already had that base covered) most of that time had been fruitless attempts at consolation.

He crouched near the puddle that had long begun forming on the ground. How could one man produce so much tears? It was bizarre. And that was coming from him, of all people.

Zappa turned his head slightly, wet hair plastered over his face and mouth quivering underneath it.

“Y-you didn’t mean it, right? You didn’t really l-l-leave me?”

Faust resisted the urge to sigh. “It was just a- no, I didn’t really know how to fix it. I would not have left you if I knew how to fix it.” He plonked down onto the ground, attempting another weak effort to console his patient by patting him on the back.

He managed a tenuous smile. “Hey, if it’s any consolation, that was an excellent first step in assertiveness-”

Zappa immediately burst into tears again, lying back down on the floor.

Faust only groaned. In hindsight, maybe his mother had been onto something when she’d told him to get a degree in dance instead.

“Zappa, please, I can’t go home until all my patients have been checked out…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I very much appreciate everyone's patience with me while I gradually finished this! It was fun to make, even if it took a while to make. 
> 
> I feel obliged to make a little thank-you note to my friend Fez/Zin on the Guilty Gear Lorecord, I hadn't planned on putting in all the Steely Dan references but trying to find ones to hide for you to find wound up being a fun game and it really motivated my writing!


End file.
